Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
