Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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