If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
