i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
