this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
