So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
