sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
