I just threw up on my dentist
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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