i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
