the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
the condom got lost in my hair
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
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