So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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