The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
