No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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