I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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