remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
