whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
