don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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