i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
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yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
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does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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