Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
