I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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