Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
