You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
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You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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