i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
