I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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