Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
