So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
