I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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