My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
