dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
