As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
