Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
