I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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