Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
