just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
