my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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