clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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