this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
