I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
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She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
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That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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