My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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