I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
