Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Randomize
