I just cut my nipple shaving
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Randomize
