A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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