I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
