Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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