It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
She's JV to your varsity
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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