She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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