I haven't been this sober since birth.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
