I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
