I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
