when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
