Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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