I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
