apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
