toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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