You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
