i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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