If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
