I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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