I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
