After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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