I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
The Olympian is in my bed
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
