i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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