A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I wish there were birth control emojis
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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